Coffee, Anyone?

26 Apr


It’s Coffee Week. Now, up until about six months ago, I could’ve cared less whether it was Coffee Week or not (now, Chocolate Week—that’s a week I could care deeply about.)

When it came to coffee, I didn’t get the whole “need that morning cup” routine that my husband performed on a daily basis. I rarely drank the bitter stuff. Maybe I’d swig half a cup down (as long as it had lots of cream and sugar) along with a huge slice (or two) of lemon Poppy seed cake with cream-cheese frosting.  (FYI, coffee actually works quite well as a thinning agent when trying to shovel huge carb-laden bites of greasy fat molecules into one’s mouth as quickly as possible.)

Then last July I got sick of my body being fat and I stopped eating so much crap. I went on a high protein diet (whoops, I mean I went on a high protein life-style change) and started exercising. To date, I have lost almost forty pounds. This is good news for me, as I’ve probably extended my life by at least five years. This is even better news for Starbucks because now they are getting a daily $4.05 from me by selling me a Grande Decaf Skinny Mocha every afternoon at around one o’clock so that I don’t go crazy and go back to eating lemon poppy seed cake with cream-cheese frosting.

Yikes, I just did the math right now—all this coffee buying adds up to about $120 every single month. And since I’ve just extended my life by five years, that’s another $7200 Starbucks has coming!

Because when one is addicted to sugar as I am, one needs to replace this sugar with something that makes one’s body and mind think that one is consuming sugar when one really isn’t. In reality, I could fix myself a cup of decaf at home, add some fake sugar and some sugar free chocolate sauce and it would pretty much taste the same. Actually, I have done this, and it does taste the same. But it’s just not the same experience.

Because I guess what I really love is the ritual that a coffee house offers. I love that when I go into my local Starbucks, I feel as if I’m walking into a special club that offers warm lighting, hip music, and a lovely glass case of delectable treats that usually I only look at unless I’m PMS-ing, in which case I treat myself to a warm cinnamon bun or a chocolate croissant. I like that the person working behind the counter acts especially happy to see me (I realize this is not always true, and that it’s just good training on Starbuck’s part in order to make every customer feel special, but I like to pretend that the barista really does look forward to seeing my smiling face every afternoon.)

I love carrying my coffee in its pristine white paper cup, which for some unknown reason makes the coffee taste better to me (I know, a completely ridiculous notion as well as super bad for the environment) then getting in my sun-warmed car in the parking lot and slurping that sweet, sugar-free mocha liquid out of a little hole in the lid like I’m a baby sucking on a bottle.

Weird, I know (and a pretty gross visual), but we all have our issues to work on.

Jerry Seinfeld sums it up nicely on NPR:

So call me sometime—we’ll go get coffee….

And Happy Coffee Week–or what’s left of it.

13 Responses to “Coffee, Anyone?”

  1. Kristin April 26, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    You are hilarious (I like all of your comments in parenthesis) and way to go on getting healthy! I wish I could go get a cup of coffee with you sometime, that would be lovely! 🙂

  2. Elisabeth Kinsey April 26, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

    I love this. I have an integral and anti-Mormon connection to coffee that makes me such a freak about it, I can’t even touch Starbucks. That’s the snob I am. I have to brew it personally. Thanks for the fun post. And, congrats on losing the weight!!!

  3. Charla Bregante April 26, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

    Welcome aboard the coffee train, Jessie. And congratulations on the weight loss! See you at Starbucks!


    Sent from my iPhone

  4. Erica Storm April 26, 2013 at 1:31 pm #

    Congrats on your weight loss! You must feel great.

    • Allegro non tanto April 26, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

      I do, Erica! Still have a ways to go–one annoying pound at a time!

  5. Rossandra White April 26, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

    Well put, Jessica. I fell the same way about being greeted by the servers. My heart swells, I swear. Big congrats on the weight loss. Get that pattern established and it will be so much easier. Cheering you on!!!

  6. injaynesworld April 26, 2013 at 8:49 pm #

    Delightful piece. I do love my coffee, but I’m cheap and so I’ll make two giant cups in the morning, one to drink immediately (or administer with an IV, depending on the night before) and one I pop in the frig to drink that afternoon. Congrats on the life-style change. We want you around as long as possible! Hugs.

  7. debatterman April 27, 2013 at 6:57 am #

    Well here’s a little tidbit about me you don’t know . . . I have a hard time drinking cappuccino in a paper cup. . Am I a snob? Or is something about the whole experience of it — scooping up the frothy milk with a spoon, etc. etc. Not a problem with regular coffee. And here’s a funny anecdote you’ll love. When my daughter was young, we’d go my favorite old-fashioned Italian coffee house, sit across from each, she with her little espresso cup, me with my cappuccino. It took a while to figure out that what she wanted in that cup wasn’t steamed milk — it was pure whipped cream. Let’s hear it for rituals . . and lifestyle changes that make us feel good . . . and Jerry Seinfeld.:-)

  8. Bon April 29, 2013 at 12:29 pm #

    i want to go to coffee with you!

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