Distracted

15 Apr

I almost didn’t sit down to write this morning. As the queen of procrastination, I’ll pretty much do anything to avoid getting started on any writing project. These days, even the thought of constructing a simple blog post is overwhelming.

I’d already backed the minivan into the driveway with the intention of ridding it of a year’s worth of Covid-19 garbage, including my collection of discarded disposable masks that somehow all smell like a barnyard (I sincerely hope that my breath isn’t really that foul!) Then there are the multiple crumpled up Starbucks treat bags, bits of dried leaves from last fall, and enough dog hair to stuff a small pillow. I had originally looked into getting my car detailed, but the hefty price tag persuaded me that I should do it myself. So what if it took me four hours and came with the probability of straining my already sore back? As I bounded upstairs to change into some sweats and a ratty t-shirt, I passed my laptop sitting alone on my desk, its screen covered in a sheen of dust.

“You’re an asshole,” it whispered.

A true friend always tells it like it is.

Yes, I’ve been distracted lately, and there hasn’t been a whole lot of writing going on. I could blame it on pandemic-related depression (a valid excuse for many of our struggles these days), but the truth is that my avoidance of writing has always been related to my feelings of self-worth. Throughout my entire life, I’ve fought with that malicious bitch in my brain who lies to me about my abilities. And after more than a year of isolation, change, and a constant stream of worry, she has made herself comfortable in my head, soaking in a tub brimming with doubt and insecurity.

Oh, you know her, too?

My personal struggles pale in comparison to what others have been through during this pandemic, and I do realize I am one of the lucky ones. But isolation is difficult nonetheless. I miss my family. I miss seeing my piano students in person. I miss interacting with people—I want the world to see that I’m smiling at them. I’m dying to embrace people again.

I do know we’ll get through this. It’s getting better day by day (at least where I live) and even with all of my worry and distraction, I’m beginning to feel a slight sense of hope again. My family and I are vaccinated. Summer is just around the bend, and maybe, just maybe—we’ll go back to a semblance of normalcy. And when that time comes, be prepared. Because I may hug you and never let go.

There. I’ve written a few words. That bitch in my head has temporarily submerged herself under the water. She’s quiet—at least for now.

Off to clean the van!

Nah. I’ll do it tomorrow

6 Responses to “Distracted”

  1. Sarabeth Clevenger April 15, 2021 at 12:20 pm #

    Jessica, you speak for ALL of us!

    >

    • Allegro non tanto April 15, 2021 at 11:32 pm #

      How insane is life these days? You’re fortunate you have your art! ❤️

  2. elaine smith April 15, 2021 at 12:22 pm #

    OK, Jessica, I’ve decided that you are just my favorite writer…be it with a NOVEL, or your short daily “thinking”! I do believe “Lost in…” perhaps started my deep love of your writing, though I had read your short “thinking” work along the way and was so impressed. Just know that that voice in your head IS SO WRONG!!!!!! ❤️ Elaine Smith

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  3. Karen Prince Fox April 15, 2021 at 12:44 pm #

    Thank you for saying some of the things I have in my mind, Jessica! It was soooooo good to see you at church. You are missed!
    Re detailing your vehicle. We go to Wash n Go on State street. We pay $25 & they wash, dry & vacuum/dust the inside plus clean all the windows! I think it’s a good deal.

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